Steve and Dracula Kill All the Glitterpires!
by The Defias Underground
Summary: Get ready to be offended all you Edward worshipers who treat twilight like the Bible!


Steve and Dracula Kill all Glitterpires

**Disclaimer:I do not own Twilight or Dracula, but I do own Steve so yeah...**

**A/N:Have fun reading this :D**

Once upon a time there was an Irishman named Steve. Steve was about 6 feet tall, had brown hair that was slicked back with sheep grease(don't ask), farmers tanned, and had a grudge against birds.

Then one night when Steve was walking home he saw that his house door had been forced open, drawing his .45 ACP(used against the wolves), he crept inside. Upon entering his small hovel Steve heard his cat meowing fervently."Oh no!" cried Steve rushing into his living room/dining room/ kitchen. Upon entering he saw that his poor cat was being held up by a pale man. The man was one of the tallest guys Steve had seen in his life, with utter disregard for anything but his beloved cat Steve leaped forward and pistol-whipped the man a blow with the gun right on the temple. The man dropped without a sound.

Steve rolled the man over and inspected him. The man was quite old and had a plain face and sharp features, with gray hair on his head. Steve went over to his cat and picked it up, cradling it in his arms. "OH KITTY DID THE BAD MAN HURT YOU?!?!?" Steve bawled to his cat, who's name was Kitty. Kitty replied by scratching Steve on his forearm, Steve let out a muffled curse and threw Kitty out of a glassless window. "AND DONT COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE HUNGRY, OR SCARED, OR THIRSTY, OR COLD!!!" Steve bellowed at the cat. He turned around and found that the man had gone missing. Suddenly he was up against the wall with a large hand pinning him to said wall. "How dare you interfere with my hobbies!!!" the man growled at Steve. "Please dude I was just trying to protect my cat from you." Steve said, whimpering like a wee frightened baby. The man immediately dropped him and took on a pleasant tone of voice. "Well my good man I thought you meant me harm, but I see now that you were just protecting your cat." the man said. "It's alright dude I'm sure you would have done the same thing in my position." Steve replied, rubbing his neck. "I'm Dracula" said the man, extending his hand. "Steve" replied Steve, taking it and shaking it.

An hour later they were watching T.V. on Steve's 25 inch TV. "So the point of this game is to get that round disc into the other sides goal as many times as possible and they can tackle and punch and grab each other at the same time?" asked Dracula. "Yeah..." said Steve grabbing his popcorn. Then Dracula saw a commercial for Twilight, after it was over Dracula just sat there. "What in THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS EVIL WAS THAT!!!" Dracula screamed. Steve muttered I dire curse and said "That is the bane of all that is manly, the castration of testosterone, THAT IS THE ANTI-BADASS TWILIGHT!!!" Dracula sat there speechless, he then said "Steve...at night we will open a portal and DESTROY THOSE GLITTERPIRES ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!"

Tomorrow night Dracula gathered all of his spell books and started casting a spell that would open a portal to Twilight's dimension. "Oh darkness frothing on the edge, hatred burning like a flaming sledge, open a portal into another world, and let my vengeance unfurl!" chanted Dracula in a monotonous voice. Suddenly a bright purple portal opened, and Steve could see into a strange land that looked peaceful and quiet. Dracula and Steve both jumped through the portal, and then everything went dark. Steve woke up to the peaceful serenity of Forks, Washington. Steve looked at Dracula and asked "Are you sure we are in the right place?" Dracula glanced at him and said "While you were out tending to you r sheep I read all the books and have detailed profiles on each of the Cullens." Steve checked his .45 and then asked "How are we gonna kill them?" Dracula just smiled and replied "Why Steve my dear acquaintance, we are going to use the most simple trick in the book the old bait and kill." Steve took on a fierce mask of glee.

Bella was having a normal day at her school, sitting with the Cullens at lunch, thinking about the Cullens during class, and getting F's because she wasn't paying attention. She was walking outside to her truck when Edward came up and was all like "Hey baby how abouts me and you smooch all over the place in front of everything" Bella replied "SURE HONEYKAKES" Then Edward had to go visit the Italian vampires. So Bella got into her car and drove off to her house, upon entering the driveway she found that Indian kid who's name the author does not remember, started crying over because he was a pansy-baby. "Oh Bella please love me!" he cried. "Nah..." said Bella entering her crappy house through her crappy door and entered the crappy threshold and took off her crappy shoes putting her crappy feet on the crappy floor. She saw that her father was lying on the floor, she rushed over and turned him over. She gasped as she saw there were several bleeding holes in her fathers chest. She ran over to the phone, and tried dialing Edward but someone ripped the phone cord out of the wall. She turned around and saw two men, a man with brown slicked back hair holding a pistol of some sort, and a taller man standing next to him. The taller man spoke "Hello...Bella."

Emmet was at his house in his room listening to easy listening like a total pansy when suddenly his cell phone rang "Never gonna give you up....Never gonna let you down..." Quick as flash Emmet leaped over his bed and answered it. He heard Bella's voice shakily saying "Emmet please help me they killed my dad..." Emmet was all like EMMET SMASH, then he heard a strange voice say into the phone "You better hurry pretty-boy shes getting sweeter the longer I look at her." Edward ran into his car and sped over to Bella's house. He burst into the house and was immediately pinned to the wall. "Well it seems that our guest has arrived..." a very tall man said, pinning Emmet to the wall. Emmet looked over and saw another man with a gun at Bella's head. The man with the gun said "now I suggest man meat that you stop struggling or else your brothers lover here is gonna die" Bella shook her head repeatedly at Emmet telling him to fight back and telling him to just kill these bastards then Edward and I can smooch. Suddenly the tall man viciously ripped Emmet's head completely off. Bella was shocked as the man started to dismember Emmet in a savage show of strength. The man with the gun looked at Bella and smiled. He said "Well sweety it looks like we don't need you at the moment" he viciously smacked her on the back of her head with the gun.

Dracula immediately started grabbing Emmet's limbs and stuffed them into a bag, Steve grabbed a lighter and some fluid and they went up the stairs into the bathroom. Dracula dumped the bag into the bathtub while Steve plugged the bathtub and poured the gasoline into it. Then Dracula and Steve stood back and Steve lit a match and threw it onto the bag. It went up in flames, burning Emmet to ashes. Dracula said "Hurry Steve we must go check into a hotel, unlike these...these...Glitterpires I burn in sunlight." So Steve and Dracula checked into a local hotel. While Dracula slept in a collapsible coffin he had put in his suitcase. Steve was still wide awake, with grim satisfaction on his face he slept like a child dreaming of presents. He had done it 1 Glitterpire down, several more to go.

**DU: Well that seemed like a good 1st chapter**

**Steve: Dude your gonna get torched by all the angry twilighter cults**

**Drac: Yeah they might even flame your other stories**

**Both: So you gotta ask yourself is it really worth it?**

**DU: Oh hell yeah**

**All: Review!!!**


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